What I Read Today In The Onion

 It was outrageous.

It was amusing.

It was horribly, viciously inventive.

Just like The Onion always is.

The premise is that it's the middle of a presidential campaign.

In the United States.

Candidate One is 82 years old and suspected of being on the brink of dementia.

His precarious public speaking image is under constant scrutiny because of that suspicion.

The suspicion is reinforced by the fact that, as a recovered stutterer, he is rather deliberate when speaking.

All of that provides a gleefully toxic brew of inuendo and ridicule to be used against Candidate One by his opponent, Candidate Two.

And Candidate Two is an interesting sort.

He is only able to campaign on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday.

That's because the other days he's on trial for massive Federal election law violations involving falsifying business records to cover-up payments to an adult film actress for her silence about a sexual encounter he had with her.

At the point The Onion writes about Candidate Two, in Court there have just completed two days of deeply detailed testimony from the actress describing her disturbing frolic with the defendant, Candidate Two.

Just to further titillate, the night before that testimony commenced, The Onion reports, The Jimmie Kimmel Show aired an archival episode where the porn star had previously made an appearance on The Kimmel Show; in one of the bits in said appearance she picked from an assortment of plastic mockups the one most closely resembling the penis of Candidate Two.

Pretty entertaining.

But wait.

There's still Candidate Three.

According to The Onion, he has just confirmed that part of his brain was recently eaten by a worm.

You've got to hand it to The Onion.

They can really think up wild stuff.

Way better than boring old American politics.